An Apology Letter to my Younger Self

Dear younger me, a lot has changed from the time I actually drafted this letter last year (2017) ‘til today but one thing remains the same – the message and purpose of this letter.

I am writing to you for the sole purpose of apologizing.

First of all, I am greatly sorry that the world isn’t as kind as you believe it is, no amount of kindness or love can guarantee that it will be reciprocated right back to you. There is so much violence in the world and you cannot run away from the bad that is happening, you choose to ignore it but it doesn’t erase the fact that the is no world peace and there never will be. Also, I am sorry that you believe men are the protectors of the world and that you are safe wherever there are men around because they can physically fight any monster that may pop up but you will grow to realise that men are not heroes, they are the ones women need protection from.

I am sorry that it will take you so many years to figure out where you fit in or belong because the world is highly saturated with people who deliberately refuse to think like you, soon enough you will learn that it’s okay to create your own little space where you and only you fit in. I am sorry that you never stopped being a weird and crazy kid that no one understands, I am sorry that you still think of your own death more than you should and I am very sorry that you still struggle with boosting your self-esteem although you have been working on it non-stop since you realised that you have a low self-esteem. 

You will create a blog in attempt to ‘change the world’, to get society out of their misleading mentalities and to help them think differently, the good news is that the blog is growing everyday but what’s even better is that it will help you discover yourself, grow and it will open multiple doors for you. Nonetheless, I am sorry that you have to constantly motivate yourself which ultimately drains you on some days but remember to rest when you feel overwhelmed. I am also sorry that your mental health isn’t as stable as the standard human being, anxiety attacks will get you in the most inappropriate times and your depression episodes don’t get worse or any better but you wake up everyday and try to make the best out of each day.

I am sorry that despite how many times people hurt you or disappoint you, you still see the good in them. I am sorry that right now you do not know how to use your superpower of showering people with endless love but you need to understand that it’s not your responsibility to fix people with love and know when you leave when your love is taken for granted. 

On the brighter side of life though, you have completely stopped being negative about everything. I know right, it sounds super crazy but you have stopped thinking that you will die a nobody and that you are not important in this world. On the other hand, you just haven’t stopped being curious, you haven’t stopped asking too many questions and you will never stop coming up with your own theories. Your imagination is still a little overboard although you are more realistic now and surely you have already figured this out but you never stopped writing.  Also, yeah you probably guessed it… you are still pretty much goofy, uncontrollable, ‘extra’ and adventurous (although you’ve stopped walking around in bushes hoping to find fairies and ‘seeing’ them – it’s all in your head hun, it’s all in your head). 

You will meet so many people, great people who will change your life and how you see things, you laugh way too much daily (mainly because of your inside jokes) and you will literally itch to create something almost every day, no matter how whack or cool it is, you are just always creating or planning something. You are also very lucky, especially when it comes to relationships – you are always loved. If I may add, I don’t know how this happened but you just confidently speak to yourself in public now – goodness me, you never seize to amaze me.

Listen, I could go the whole day typing this letter but I will stop here for now. Looking at your pictures right now just reminded me how carefree and happy I am, there is so much good in my life and I am learning to appreciate each and every thing I have. Hold on to what really matters – family, true friends and what makes you happy. Never take things for granted, keep budding regardless of how crazy things get and remain the same because I love you like this.

With much love,

Your 21 Year Old Self.